'Game of Thrones' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap - 'The Night Lands'

Ahhhh, an entire episode without a single appearance from Joffrey. Isn't it nice? Here are all the happenings from "The Night Lands," by location:

King's Landing:

Tyrion is still strolling through the castle, whistling and not giving a f*ck, until he gets to his room and finds Lord Varys chatting with Shae. Threatening insinuations are lobbed between the two, each aware that they're going to have to watch their backs around each other from now on.

More animosity arises between Tyrion and Cersei, as the former further mocks the latter's ability to properly rule. After a quip about Jamie, Cersei spits back at Tyrion about how he killed their mother during childbirth, and insinuates how she doesn't think he was much worth it. Ouch.

Tyrion seems to be settling into his role as Hand of the King, though, as he take the time to fire Janos (and exile him to the Wall) and replace him with Bronn as commander of the guard. Once again, Tyrion flashes some respect for the honor of Ned Stark and questions that of those around him. Bronn isn't much better, though: when Tyrion asks him if he would carry out an order to kill a child, as Janos did, Bronn replies, "Without question? No. I'd ask how much."

Baelish showed off his meanie side too, as he regales Ros with a cautionary tale of how he "mitigated losses" with a prostitute who wasn't earning him money, after Ros loses a client by crying over the murder of Mhaegen's baby at the end of last week's episode.

Dragonstone:

Stannis and his men continue to prepare for their upcoming battle by pushing around their figures on that pretty awesome table they have (looks like maybe Ikea?). Ser Davos strikes a deal with the pirate Salladhor to get them to King's Landing, but there's still the issue of all the men that Renly has and Stannis doesn't. Melisandre doesn't seem to think that's a problem.

She also doesn't seem to think that Stannis' marriage is a problem, as she seduces him with a promise of bearing him a son. They totally do it on that awesome Ikea table.

The Red Wastes:

Dany, Jorah and the rest of the gang continue to starve and dehydrate as they await the return of their riders. Unfortunately, Rakharo's horse comes back with Rakharo's head in a bag, a message from another Khal expressing disapproval of a female leader. Dany says something to the effect of "they'll disapprove of my boot in their asses!" I'm paraphrasing.

The Iron Islands/Pyke:

Theon makes a major doofus of himself when he returns home to Pyke, which houses Castle Greyjoy, after nine years away. He walks around with the air of a prodigal son returning, but ends up getting dissed by his father, Balon, over his clothes. "Iron or gold?" he asks Theon of the medal around his neck, questioning whether he got it from battle or bought it. I'll give you two guesses as to which one it is.

Also, Theon not only hits on but also fondles his sister, Yara, before he realizes who she is. Careful there, Theon. You don't want to pull a Lannister. Yara, it turns out, will be commanding Balon's army, but not necessarily in alliance with the Starks. In fact, they might not attack the Lannisters at all, going for the Starks instead.

Somewhere on the Road to The Wall:

Arya goes into a quick panic when she sees guards from King's Landing catching up with the caravan. As it turns out, though, they're not after her at all: they're after her buddy Gendry, who is one of Robert's bastards. He's protected, for now, by the leader of the caravan, but they'll be back.

Gendry, meanwhile, has already figured out that Arya's a girl. He's much more surprised, though, when he finds out that she's a Stark, especially since Ned had approached him just weeks before Ned was killed. At least their secrets are safe with each other.

North of The Wall:

Samwell's do-gooder instinct flares up when one of Craster's daughter-wives (so. much. incest.) approaches him with a problem: she's pregnant, and she's worried that it's going to be a boy. They both go to Jon Snow for help, but he (wisely, but not very bravely) says it's not really their business.

That night, though, Jon catches Craster sneaking off into the night with a newborn baby boy in his arms. It seems that Craster has been leaving them for the White Walkers to pick up. Just as Snow sees it happen, though, Craster clocks him in the head.

So: Jon Snow is in serious trouble, Arya's in moderate trouble, Theon isn't in trouble, but the Starks might be, and everyone's in trouble once Dany's dragons grow up.