Bristol Palin Attacks Barack Obama, His Kids, Gay Marriage and 'Glee'....All At Once

Oh, we knew a Palin would have something to spout off concerning President Barack Obama's "Good Morning America" endorsement of same-sex marriage's legalization. I just figured it would be Sarah.

Surprise! It's instead the former Alaska governor, Fox News correspondent and 2008 vice presidential candidate's 21-year-old daughter, Bristol. Famous for being a knocked-up single teen mother and former "Dancing with the Stars" contestant, Palin is here to educate us all about the sanctity of marriage and what should and should not be taken into consideration when legislating its revision.

Oh, joy.

In an interview with Robin Roberts that aired Wednesday morning, Obama claimed he considered it a tipping point when his two daughters - 10-year-old Sasha and 13-year-old Malia - reminded him that some of their friends live in households with same-sex parents. "It doesn't make sense to them," Obama said. "That's the kind of thing that prompts a change in perspective."

Palin seized upon the opportunity to bitterly remind anybody and everybody via her Patheos blog that not everybody was so understanding about whose viewpoints her mother took into consideration.

"So let me get this straight - it's a problem if my mom listened too much to my dad, but it's a heroic act if the President made a massive change in a policy position that could affect the entire nation after consulting with his teenage daughters?" Palin pondered.

"While it's great to listen to your kids' ideas, there's also a time when dads simply need to be dads," she continued. "In this case, it would've been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while [their friends'] parents are no doubt lovely people, that's not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage."

In other words: "It would've been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while [their friends'] parents are no doubt lovely people, they're in no way a thought-provoking microcosm for one side of this nation debate and he should've explained the issue the way I - an unwed single mother who got pregnant as a teenager - see this. That way, he'd be right."

Because, of course, Palin doesn't at all owe it to changes in "thousands of years of thinking about marriage" that when she was knocked up out of wedlock, she didn't face the shunning and abuse that she would've thousands of years ago.

"We can be glad that Malia and Sasha aren't younger, or perhaps today's press conference might have been about appointing Dora the Explorer as Attorney General because of her success in stopping Swiper the Fox," she added.

Hey, honey - Swiper's hardcore. On her best day, Dora's at least as competent as Eric Holder.

Oh, but it gets better. Since Palin just wasn't conservative parody enough....

"Would've been nice [if Obama had] been an actual leader and helped shape [his daughters'] thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of 'Glee'," she said.

Damn you, Ryan Murphy! You'll be the end of us all yet!