Alleged 'RoboCop' Reboot Script Sounds Less And Less Like 'RoboCop'

(WARNING! If time proves the following tweets true, then this report contains valid SPOILERS for the upcoming remake of "RoboCop." That being said, I've read these. It is my belief that I am doing my audience a favor passing this along before anyone buys a ticket. Still, if you want to make up your own mind, back away now.)

Oh, dear. Look at that picture, folks.

Son, Peter Weller is disappoint.

Remakes and reboots are often ugly, ugly little crimes against creativity and wonderful, beloved source material. If Paul Verhoeven has read these tweeted impressions from HitFlix reporter Drew McWeeny of an alleged script for the "RoboCop" reboot arriving in theaters next year, then he's cried his tears for his 1987 Peter Weller-starring cult action classic.

What follows is a word-for-word transcript of his tweets. My thoughts? A clear line will be drawn in the sand between people who love the original, and people too young to have seen it and know better.

There be spoilers here. Ye be warned one final time.

I tried to read the "Robocop" remake, but 20 pages in my nose started bleeding and I forgot my name. #nobueno #reallynobueno

I'll share this one detail. In the film, when Murphy is turned into Robocop 1.0, it's described "a high-tech version of the '80s suit." Then they show a focus group scene where criminals laugh at the design. "He looks like a toy from the '80s!" So they redesign him to look "meaner" as Robocop 2.0, who passes focus group approval. So they not only make sure to include the original design they also point out it's dated and stupid. *facepalm*

Hold onto your sides for more hilarious "Robocop" details. They outsource his construction to China. #seriously And we meet the ED-209s in the field in Iran, where they're used to subdue suicide bombers. #ineedallthedrinksnow

Ahhh… now they just dropped Robocop 3.0 onto an Al Queda training camp to see what he does.

"He should be programmed to incapacitate in all scenarios." "Agreed. Let's keep him PG-13, Dr. Norton." No. No. No. No.

By page 54, they are already onto Robocop 4.0, who looks like a "cop on steroids painted metallic blue."

Oh, god… oh dear god… Robocop is a Transformer. He goes from "social mode" to "combat mode" and back. Full transformation. Write it down. Page 55, the "Robocop" remake beat me. I'm done. I can't hurt more than this.

Someone shows Pope, head of the OCP project, some mock-ups for Robocop action figures. "Are you kidding? I wouldn't buy that for a dollar!"

Okay… the two "best" lines in the script. First up is at the unveiling ceremony for Robocop in Detroit, from a TV reporter covering it. "I think it's safe to say that Alex Murphy is now part man, part machine, ALL COP!" Yes, I too remember the original poster, asshat.

Second, after the traumatic first meeting with his father, Alex's son retreats to the apartment of Lewis, Murphy's male partner. The scene ends with the action line "David sits, catatonic, looks at the TV — MGM REMAKE TBD."

I'll say this: once the script stops all the winky-winky crap and just starts telling a story, it's not terrible. But it's way too late.

When this thing hits theaters, people are going to call up Len Wiseman's "Total Recall" on the phone and apologize for being so mean.

Oh, dear. My eyes. My head.

In interest of full disclosure, I'm 29 years old and saw the original when I was in about second or third grade. I watched it again on Netflix, and for being definitively a 1980's product, it holds up damn well for entertainment value.

That said, it's actually understandable how some things needed drastic updating so that it would be relatable, engaging and relevent to the present-day setting. Verhoeven's "RoboCop" was all of the above itself. Rising street crime and ensuing urban decay in major cities was a rising concern, stoked all the more by media sensationalism. So, too, was the expanding reach of the corporate private sector into government. Verhoeven took all of this, colored it with the '80's cocaine and greed-colored culture, and ratcheted the volume of the whole affair to "Parody."

Movie-goers of 2012 - 2013, by the time this hits theaters - have become noticeably more jaded to most of the above, with the exception of renewed corporate distrust. Terrorism is the great lurking horror that will be the death of us. Point also, for acknowledging how much American-product fabrication is put into the capable hands of the Chinese.

It's attempting social commentary in the spirit of the first. Unfortunately, this sounds like horribly stupid commentary that insults a good movie by masquerading as it.

So, to be clear, there's actually a scene in which this....thing musters the temerity to call the 1980's essentially a dated piece of crap. Well, as long as you're pointing the .12-gauge at your foot, Movie, pretty please, let me pull the trigger: What does it say about you if this is what you're remaking?

The apology for this remake will be hilarious when it's unanimously regarded as inferior in every possible way except, of course, modernized visual effects.

Still, someone clearly memorized the page of the Remake Playbook instructing in cribbing the fun stuff from the original that everybody loves in the vain hope the audience will forget how much more they'd rather be watching it than your warmed-over amateur imitation. The reporter said it best himself: "Yes, I too remember the original poster."

Remember how I said I could "understand" the shift from a theme of urban crisis to one of terrorism? Note that I never said I "condone" it. Unfortunately, this sounds like "Iron Man" between RoboCop's assault on an Al-Qaeda camp and an ED-209 unit running rough-shod over Iran. It truly surpasses ham-fisted.

Here's the thing: everything the commentary of "RoboCop" touched upon had the strokes of parody. This, unfortunately, sounds like the movie is actually taking itself so seriously, that it genuinely hopes any attempt at humor is magnified by comparison.

Ultimately, this is why some products of their times just should be left alone: because when you remove them from their times and the sensibilities of their artists, they're considerably less effective.